One Year Ago...

My marriage went down the path of no return. Actually, I missed the official date - it was June 5th, I believe.

Even without the realization of the date, it was a long, hard week last week on the personal side. And I'd honestly prefer to focus on the good things.

Things that make me happy and sometimes, makes me jump like a lunatic:

First and foremost is always going to be my baby girl. She is the light of my life, the pain in my neck, my purple sunshine. She's the most intuitive, curious, challenging, loveable, whiny, independent little being and I love her.

I love my sewing. Because it calms me, gives me focus, allows me to put my energy towards something that a lot more beautiful than disappointment and sadness.

Doing "frou-frou" decorating nonsense in the house (quoted directly from my lovely soon-to-be-ex partner in life) because it makes a place home

Reading - always and forever. It allows the space to dream and to imagine and to escape. It gives motivation, knowledge and curiously, hope.

Things that I want to do:

Travel to Paris, and sit at those little cafés, nursing a hot steaming cup of café au lait, and a chocolate croissant (and eyeing those impeccably dressed French ladies and those cute Parisian guys). Oh, and shopping, of course. Girls...??!!!

Go skydiving

Run in a marathon/race

Go on an Alaskan cruise. That was suppose to have been my honeymoon.

Take 2 weeks off and do nothing but lay on a beach in the tropics all day (this is SO going to be my honeymoon goal, if I ever meet someone else)

Have a garden that's full of fresh vegetables and herbs. I'm limited to potted basil for right now, since I don't like trudging out to my crap yard.

Do more charity work - especially those involving children

Be more spontaneous. Explore. Do new things. Strike up conversations with people I don't know.

The funny outcome about this whole drama is that I am somewhat more comfortable talking and opening up to others now. I've never been much of a social extrovert, always much prefering to keep myself to myself. I've always enjoyed/accepted my own company and have the tendency to stick to lone activities. It's lonely most times (but much, much safer). But I'm branching out more. Because life is short. And I've had the great opportunity to be within a great team of colleagues - they have been crucial for my past year's survival, without which I would definitely be less optimistic than I am now.

 Although I'm unfortunately leaving them, back to a group of people that's either much much younger, or older than I am. Perhaps God has a plan. And He thinks that I am now ready to move on to the next chapter of my life, by myself. Who knows. That's the sole way of thinking that helps keep me going.

I apologize that this post is all over the place -- it's slightly challenging for me to try and keep it upbeat, but also not to make light of the devastation of what had happened. Because it truly was a horrible chapter in my life. And the way that it happened was, and still is, very disappointing. And I'm still quite disappointed by how few people from the other side who have outright stood up for me (I think the count is perhaps 2? That may even be overestimating the number)

I have somewhat of a strong personality when it comes to certain things. I don't believe in sweeping things under the rug because I'm afraid of rocking the boat. Not because I want to make people uncomfortable, but because to me, there are things that are ultimately, very black and white. And I like to think that I'm a confident enough person to stand up for what I believe is right, and my mistake is that sometimes, I assume that others are the same way. Hence the road to disappointment.

But that's ok. Because it is what it is. And life goes on. That's the beauty of it, I suppose.

Discussion

We've recently listed the house for sale. On Wednesday, the sign was up in the front yard. It was huge. And it tore up my grass, so I was slightly annoyed with that.

Isabel was curious about it
 

Isabel: What's that, momma?

Momma: That's a sign, so we can sell the house

Isabel: You want to sell my house, momma?

Momma: Yes

Isabel: My house broken?

Momma: Yes, the house is broken

(talk about a perfect metaphor!)

Isabel: Oh....you buy a new house, momma?

Momma: Yes, we'll buy a new house for Izzy and Momma

Isabel: Oh, ok......................................I want a pink house.

Surrender

Isabel has been bugging me for awhile to paint her nails. This past weekend, I finally gave in. Probably because I was bored, and she was driving me up the wall.

For awhile, it looked like the pink stood a chance. But she's a predictable little creature when it comes to colors.

Can you guess which color she picked?

Yep. Purple. 

(And yes, her eczema flared up again. It's fine now)

She knew exactly what she had to do and put both hands on the table, fingers apart, without me having to tell her. Don't ask me where she picked it up from, cause I don't know

When it was all done, she was excited and said "Go to daycare? I want to show Katie my purple nails"

Vain pot.

And I still stand by my thoughts that I don't like nail polish on toddlers. So she's probably not going to have another manicure for the next 8 years.

When I'm Bored...

1) I take out the scissors and cut my daughter's hair

2) I rearrange the furniture

3) I make silly faces in the mirror

Good stuff.

P/S: Like my new glasses?

Circus

The Ringling Brothers Circus came to town during Mother's Day weekend. As a treat (and because I love the circus), I immediately bought tickets.

Honestly though, I think the circus that I remember going to when I was young seemed much better. The tricks were somewhat "eh". Isabel was entertained most of the first half, then it just got too long. And there were too many clown acts.

Here's her take on it:

My favourite were the elephants too. And just for the record, there were 9 elephants - two of which took a BIG dump during the act. It was the best part of whole 2 hour long show, in my opinion - and to hear the "oooooohh..." of the crowd who were facing the elephants' posterior made it even more amusing =)

So Izzy got a stuffed baby elephant and I made an elephant hairclip for her to commemorate

This...

Is what I feel like right now:

I want to just go to bed and wake up only when things are better and life is starting anew again, in my OWN house, where I can lock the door and say, "You are not welcome here"

I usually shop my blues away (shopping therapy reigns high on my list of "Cheering Up") but funds are locked because I'm single income now. How now, brown cow? =(

What's In My Bag?

I"m a bag person. Always have been, and probably always will.

I remember being 10 years old and driving my mom crazy trying to find a backpack - I was really looking for one that would be a perfect replica of Prada's nylon backpack. Yes, my obsession for designer goods apparently started way back then. I probably bought like 5 different ones that all never did quite fit the bill. So I really learned early on that it's best to splurge on the bag that you really want, instead of wasting money on lackluster bags that really don't quite fit the bill and will end up unused and eventually thrown away. =)

Anyhoo...so I love bags. And I love what's kept in it. And I love knowing what other people have in their bags. Probably because I'm nosy.

Isabel has a bag that she carries around with her, so I decided to nose into it and find out what's important to her:

Clockwise from left:

1) Bead necklace from the MS walk we did with our neighbour and her family

2) Giraffe notebook for her to jot her thoughts down

3) Heart bracelet from her friend Mandy

4) Lipbalm from her friend Mandy - and she will look for it to put it on too. "Where's my lipbalm, momma?"

5) Fruit snack - always important when I need to behave. Yes, I bribe.

6) Izzy's Butterfly Bag  - when we go out shopping, she is allowed to get 1 thing. It was between this, and purple slippers that didn't fit her feet.

7) Wipes

8) Cards from a kid's meal from Wendy's

9) Crayons from Cracker Barrel

10) Bear mittens from Grandma Millard

Important stuff. 

And I may want to think about getting curtains for that window in the study...If anyone was passing my house that night, they'll see me in my PJs, standing on the chair, taking a picture

Pulling Things Out Of a Hat

I remembered the night before Easter that I should probably have an Easter basket for Ryan, Isabel's neighbourhood buddy (he calls her his sister)

I had to rummage through the candy bin (which, thank goodness, is quite well stocked) and then through my craft cupboard for all the other non-edible treats. And something to put it all in.

So, ta-da

Total cost? $0

The Peep Rabbit and basket are two of the many tutorials that have been printed out a while ago - I have 2 huge binders full of these...the heart is willing, but the free time and motivation are lacking!

I liked the basket so much that I pulled out my rusty math skills (pi = 3.142!! I can't believe I used to be good at math) and made a bigger one to contain her clean cloth diapers that always, for some reason or other, seem to settle itself on the chair in my bedroom

Ahhh...much better.



I've always been a freak about organization

As is my daughter:

 

Ahoy!

We try and go down to the beach as often as we can - and hopefully, the weather will warm up soon so we won't have to huddle together in our big coats, teeth chattering away

She doesn't quite like sand on her feet. In fact, she refused to move to prevent more sand from going into her slippers

But we enjoyed ourselves -- good thing I brought a blanket to lay on - I just need to make a big blanket now that can be used for picnics out on the grass or by the beach

Also tried to make a sandcastle -- my city roots are showing - I don't make good sandcastles.

I have all summer to perfect my technique, I suppose.

Sentiments

I'm feeling somewhat sentimental tonight - so pardon me as I spew my thoughts while they are still here, to remind myself that the whole relationship was not a mistake.

There are times where I miss him. The person I fell in love with - that person was kind, thoughtful, sweet, faithful, loving, he definitely did not lie, and most importantly, he made the effort. To show me that I'm a priority. That I'm not the very last on the list. Because isn't that what a relationship is about? To someone, you're important. To someone, you matter. Without that, it's not a relationship. Not a good one, at least. Not an meaningful one.

I mourn the lost of him. Now and then, I'll catch a glimpse of the old him. And little reminders like that are nice - because it lets me know that I didn't make a mistake from the get-go. That there is still a little bit of soul left in him. That I didn't marry a weak cheating coward who doesn't stand up for either woman - and that lessens the disappointment.

Does that make me think that things will be different? As I sit alone night after night after night, for a period of ten months - the answer to that is a big honking NO! I'm a faster learner than that!

However, I'm scared as heck to have to start over. But you know what? It's going to happen, regardless of how I feel. Life goes on. The sun will keep shining. The birds will keep singing (I'm pretty sure there's a song here somewhere) And I will trudge along. It's not easy - but it does get easier. Thank God for that.

My New White Picket Fence Dream

This is what happened to my current white picket fence, literally and figuratively.

 

I think it is ironically humorous.But then again, I'm taking conscious effort to see the silver lining in every situation. I'd rather laugh than cry. Plus, crying makes my head hurt. It's partly vanity speaking.

So, my marriage crumbled, my house is falling apart. Got it.

What's a girl to do now, if she's not going to waste any more time crying?

Look for a new dream.

picture from www.elementsofstyleblog.com

I want a small little cottage - perfect for 2 girly girls.

It'll be mostly white, but perhaps I'll paint my kitchen cabinets a pale pale blue?

picture from here

My furniture will be mostly cottagy, shabby-chicy stuff...stuff from thrift stores and such, because it'll fit my single mom budget, and because it'll be different

And I'll definitely, definitely, well...hopefully...have a room for dress up. For both Isabel and I. Because what are girly girl houses for without a good dress-up area?

picture from Domino magazine

There'll be flowers everywhere - hopefully snipped from my garden. That will be hopefully dog-poop free. And I'll hopefully magically cure my black thumb-ness.

picture from www.secretgardenlandscaping.com

Let me know if you see a listing somewhere that fits the bill

Pants!

Another pattern from the "Making Children's Clothes" by Emma Hardy

My first pair of pants for her, using the unbleached cotton fabric from IKEA (I seem to have a ton of that)The fabric is pretty thin so it shouldn't bog her down too much when the weather finally decides to warm up. I don't know why I haven't made pants before -- they are pretty simple to make (meaning - quick) and it's quite fun to put little pops of color using fabric scraps (which I also seem to have a ton of)

Pardon her appearance - she just woke up from her nap
 

I think I'm going to wait to see how these hold up first before going crazy on them - I've double stitched the bum area that will hopefully prevent any embarrassing moments - who knows how much roughhousing goes on at daycare!

Class...

I went upstairs after putting in a load of laundry in...this is what greeted me when I walked into Isabel's room

Apparently I almost missed story time

She even has her "teacher pose" perfected

You know, to prevent any unwanted flashing. Although since she's really not wearing any pants...I'm not sure if that goal was really achieved.

Petal Top

Something that I made awhile ago from "Making Children's Clothes" by Emma Hardy

The petal top in 3T so that it should fit Isabel perfectly for fall. Because apples = fall. 

But that doesn't mean I won't try and put my kid in it during Spring.

I have to say, there's something so satisfying when your kid is excited to wear something that you made. After putting it on this morning, Isabel said "Momma take picture!"

So we did.

I Have A Problem

I have all these sewing books that I just HAD to have

But I have yet to make a SINGLE things out of them...

At least they are pretty to look at...*shrug*

But with one of my best friends having a baby soon, I have grand plans of sewing a whole bunch of stuff for her baby. So hoping that these books will be well-used.

But first, I promised Izzy that I'll make a dress for her doll.

So today, we sat down and planned for the outfit. Poor dolly was stripped, fabric was compared, and the pattern was chosen.

This is serious business 

Izzy Longstockings

I have an idea for her Halloween costume this year...

Izzy Longstockings!! With some red and white striped socks, she's good to go!

Friday Night Recoup

My job has been something else these days. Although I love it. Somewhat. Not all the time.

Regardless, it's Friday night.

The kid is in bed. I've finished mopping the house. The laundry is in the wash. The dishes are in the dishwasher. The dog is...somewhere and the house is quiet.

And now is time for me to relax.

And I found some...ingredients...to help me. Good thing I cleaned out the freezer this evening and refilled the ice cube tray. ;p

Add something from my Netflix queue

And this delightful, frilly, completely girly set up

And presto!

It's destress time!

(Classic movie night selection will come back soon enough -- right now, I need something laugh out loud funny)

Dora, Dora

I have been trying to get Isabel on a better teeth brushing regime -- we got a My Little Pony toothpaste, and a brand new Dora the Explorer toothbrush. She doesn't watch any of those shows. But she seems to like them enough...

She's singing the Dora theme song....well, the song the way she interprets it