After what felt like an eternity of not feeling like myself, I finally took an at-home pregnancy test on May 9th, 2008. When the resulting positive lines came back clear and strong, seeming like it's staring back at me in a defiant way, I honestly felt a little...shaken. Actually, "a little" is an understatement. I was not ready to be a mother! I just started a new job not a month and a half ago, John was looking to branch away from his company and I just felt like we weren't where we were suppose to be before bringing another life into this world. I want to be able to give my child everything. Simply because that's the privilage I've had when I was young.. Not that I was necessarily showered with the most extravagent assortment of materialistic stuff, but I knew that whatever I wanted (within reason), my mom would do her best to fulfill that.
And I was nowhere near ready at my current position in life to be able to do that. We were on our way, but it wasn't enough,.
John's reaction on the other hand was like a little kid. Of course, he didn't have the additional....issue...of having to push something the size of a football out of his nether regions...
I scheduled an appointment with the doctor's the next week, but with the short notice, and with my work travel schedule, I couldn't get in until May 29th.
The drive to the doctor's office was uneventful, the wait in the waiting room was no different than if I were sitting at the dentist's office. I think I was still in denial. I mean, I DID buy the cheapest test available at the store. It was even a private label product. How accurate can those things be?? Unlike those Clearblue commercials, no, it wasn't the most sophisticated piece of technology that I've ever peed on.
I was actually more concerned about making sure that I brought and wore socks during the checkup. I have a big foot aversion and have absolutely no desire to gross the doctor out with mine. Then the CNM placed her doppler wand on my stomach. A strong, steady and extremely fast series of "thuds" echoed across the room, and she announced, "You're pregnant" and smiled. I was floored. I can't really explain the myriad of emotions that came crashing all at once...wonderment, worrying, hesitation, and then, the feeling that my heart and soul now utterly belongs to someone. And I cried.
It was the most amazing sound I've ever heard (the heartbeat, not of me sobbing like an out-of-control toddler), and from that moment on, whatever doubts I've had about the sanity of having a kid right now vanished. From that point on, I would fight anyone who dared to hurt my child or take him/her away from me.
I stayed on to wait for an ultrasound. I was actually further along than estimated, and my due date was pulled forward from Dec 21st to Dec 8th. In time to be home for Christmas.
He/she was squirmy and charming at the same time, if something that's only 3 inches big is capable of being charming. I loved the little hands and feet, and I couldn't wait to be able to touch them and to feel the little fingers clutch mine.
Baby Millard at 12 weeks oldThus begins the journey of my life. Things are never going to be the same again, (although my ever charming husband is of thought that all we have to do is toss the baby into the pram and we'll be all set to go like usual) and despite the oncoming weeks and months of more nausea, dizziness, "deprivation" of food stuff that I love but can't eat and of course, the process of eliminating each and every article of clothing from my "wearable wardrobe" because I could no longer fit in them, I don't think I'll give it up for the world. Because I'm having a baby.