I'm feeling somewhat sentimental tonight - so pardon me as I spew my thoughts while they are still here, to remind myself that the whole relationship was not a mistake.
There are times where I miss him. The person I fell in love with - that person was kind, thoughtful, sweet, faithful, loving, he definitely did not lie, and most importantly, he made the effort. To show me that I'm a priority. That I'm not the very last on the list. Because isn't that what a relationship is about? To someone, you're important. To someone, you matter. Without that, it's not a relationship. Not a good one, at least. Not an meaningful one.
I mourn the lost of him. Now and then, I'll catch a glimpse of the old him. And little reminders like that are nice - because it lets me know that I didn't make a mistake from the get-go. That there is still a little bit of soul left in him. That I didn't marry a weak cheating coward who doesn't stand up for either woman - and that lessens the disappointment.
Does that make me think that things will be different? As I sit alone night after night after night, for a period of ten months - the answer to that is a big honking NO! I'm a faster learner than that!
However, I'm scared as heck to have to start over. But you know what? It's going to happen, regardless of how I feel. Life goes on. The sun will keep shining. The birds will keep singing (I'm pretty sure there's a song here somewhere) And I will trudge along. It's not easy - but it does get easier. Thank God for that.